From the May 2003 issue of Razor Magazine
Jersey Boy
by Joe Piscopo with Chuck Darrow
Look, I have no problem with New Jersey jokes. After all, I've probably written more of them than anybody. I've always feh it was my God-given birthright to crack wise about my native land. If you're born in New Jersey and if you choose to remain in New Jersey, you can write jokes about New Jersey. You got a problem with that?
I happen to be proud of the Garden State (Whadayou laughin'at? That's what it says on our license plates!) And even if I wasn't from Jersey, I probably wouldn't be able to fool anyone into thinking I was from Ohio or Kansas. Beautiful places both, but not a rest stop in sight
You really can't hide the fact you're from Jersey. There are genes - some would say mutated genes - that'll give you away every time. For instance, when someone tells you that he or she is also from Jersey, you will instinctively reply: "What exit?" That's because your town's location along or near the Garden State Parkway is its most important feature.
You also tend to end all questions with the phrase, "Or what?" As in: "Are these New Jersey Nets freakin' unbelievable, or what?" Yes, I said the Nets You got a problem with that?
The Nets are the perfect representation of everything New Jersey stands for: Tenacity, Endurance, No respect. And that's why, no matter what, we will always savor things like this world-class basketball team
Whatdyou kiddin' me? We remember when the Nets couldn't win. We remember when we had great players like Buck Williams, Drazen Petrovic, Derrick Coleman and Jason Williams and still didn't win. We remember when the Nets were in the ABA. On Long Island. Dr. J? Awesome! The future! Let's ship him to Philly for a couple of soft pretzels!
And who could forget the wild 'fros and super-long sideburns - and that was on the cheerteaders! And the uniforms with the way-too-short and way-too-tight pants? Talk about red, white and blue balls
But I digress.
The Garden State (Believe it baby!) has always been a destination for hard-working people who have come to this country determined to build a better life. They were ridiculed, discriminated against and got no respect. Through hard work, determination and a true American spirit, they have built New Jersey into a place that best embodies how the US looks, works, thinks and plays.
So, you'll forgive us if we get our noses out of joint when some smart-ass network announcer refers to the Continental Arena as "The Swamp" (even though, if you miss a turn, you can end up in well, a swamp
To us, it's the magical place where the New Jersey Nets took us to the NBA Finals. The place where The New Jersey Devils won not one but two Stanley Cup Championships The place that has hosted Bruce Springsteen more times than the Asbury Park Chamber of Commerce.
Not to mention all of the people who were born and raised here from Francis Alben Sinatra to Bon Jovi, from Danny DeVito, Jack Nicholson, BruceWilNs to David freakin' Coppenfield!
I think I speak for all of us when I say, we're NEW JEPSEY PPOUD! It's in our blood. We would live in no other place in the world. And if you're not lucky enough to be from Jersey, and you want to make a joke about us: Hey! Joke this!!
In conclusion, perhaps a song that I wrote best sums up how the sons and daughters of the Garden State (Thank you) truly feel about their small swath of heaven:
Well, I drive the official car of Jersey
Long and shiny black
Gold trim, Landau roof,
It's a Fleetwood Cadillac
My music is Sinatra
Bon Jovi and Springsteen
And everyone knows that the Sopranos
Are only make-believe
I'm just a Jersey boy,
Born and raised in the Garden State
You take the Turnpike to the Parkway
West on 78
People ask, 'Are you from Jersey?"
Well, I tell 'em it's the only place to be
I don't care that no one gets it
When you ask me, "What exit?"
New Jersey’s home to me.
You got a problem with that?
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